The dark side of passion
There’s such a thing as “too much”
Passion is a great thing, it pushes above and beyond, lets endure pain and fatigue, because what really matters is the result, it’s getting there.
On the other side of the coin, the Dark Side™, there’s many a great negative aspects to it. It can estrange one from his peers, it can lead to feel like one’s not being understood, or straight up antagonize others.
Ultimately, it can also lead to a sense of utter dissatisfaction if results are not uniquely tied to an individual performance, making one feel like the goal was not achieved because of external factors, despite one’s best efforts.
What’s “passion”?
I initially wanted to start this post talking about competitiveness, because I like sports and I often make parallels between sports and life.
In the end I realized that, for the purpose of what I wanted to talk about, it comes down to passion. The truth is I did not want to confuse people and convey the message that we are competing amongst colleagues and that we have to win some sort of race, some sort of “coding wars”.
At least not in my opinion. It is possible, however, that some of us live their lives this way. Matter of fact, I have witnessed it, but that’s not the focus of this piece.
What I am talking about is the deep care for a project, for a product to reach its full potential. In that sense, “competitiveness” translates to the will for the project, the product to win. It’s a race for the Team to win, not for the individual within the team to show superiority over the others.
The Light side
If we accept this notion as the definition of passion in this context, well, the upsides are not that hard to identify: it’s the sheer will for the project to succeed, as I just mentioned.
It’s the non-stop thinking about ways it can be improved, ways the Team can perform better, ways things can be better handled, the endless stream of ideas, continuously looking forward to “what lies ahead”.
And this can be obviously extremely positive, creating an unprecedented sense of attachment to the project, leading to maximum engagement, willing to go “the extra mile”, to do the impossible, to face challenges head on.
To draw the sports parallel once again: it’s about not caring to go against the title favorites, to be the underdog. Get on the court and face them, give them all you got.
The Dark side
This is all nice and we’ll, so when do things go south?
Well let’s imagine one have this many ideas, this will to improve, but is not given the opportunity to act on them.
Let’s imagine, as with any company/project/product, there are issues, hard times, problems (big or small) and these are the exact things those ideas were supposed to fix.
Let’s finally imagine those problems ultimately have a visible, perceivable negative impact on the project and on the Team.
Well, in that case it’s not that hard to understand that the more one cares, the more frustration builds up, the more disappointment is generated by unheeded, or, in the worst case, denied calls to action.
I have had occasions in the past where I spent months feeling utterly useless, where I felt the ceiling pushing down on me and the only way to break out of it was being listened to and valued for what I (and peers, colleagues, friends, …) thought was useful insight.
And when I could visualize that possibility, coming back to the reality of being stuck in a position of deep discomfort, seeing all the things that could make it better, but not being able to change them, was disheartening.
It’s like being germophobe, looking through a UV light. You cannot unsee it!
All of that frustration, had an incredible negative impact on how I was living my life, how I was socializing, how I was living life with my partner. And this should not happen.
Master Yoda saying this would be
Passion leads to attachment, attachment leads to desire, desire leads to expectation, expectation leads to disappointment, disappointment leads to dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction leads to unhappiness.
The easy way out would be: “stop caring so much!” but my point is: would anyone tell a depressed person “stop being so sad!”?
Well if you would, let me tell you: it ain’t going to work, pal!
It is obviously, as it’s the case for creativity, connected to an individual’s personal traits, qualities, its way of approaching things, but chances are, if someone has took on the career of Software Engineer, these are often embedded in his/her personality.
But life is not black and white. With experience and time I started to learn that if I am not listened to, if feedback is not accepted, well, it’s not my company (not for now, at least), it’s not my money, I will keep living, I’ll survive this, I just have to move on and find another Team, a winning Team.
It’s about balance and my own health, if I can’t be the element of change, I should simply accept the fact that I can’t change everyone’s opinion. It’s not working out, as sad and disappointing as it can be time to let go, time to move on 🤷♂️
Originally published at https://www.massimoluraschi.me on July 23, 2020.
